2012 features a paper thin plot about crazy solar flares in the few years leading up to the year 2012 that somehow turn the neutrinos in the Earth’s core into microwaves that slowly, but steadily start heating up the planet.  This results in earthquakes, tsunamis, sink-holes and other natural disasters.  It’s all pretty dehumanized until these things start to affect Jackson (John Cusack) and Kate (Amanda Peet), a divorced couple with two kids.  Oh, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a bleeding heart, government geologist who advises the president (Danny Glover) on all this, and eventually (spoiler alert!) gets with the president’s wicked hot daughter (Thandie Newton) to replenish the Earth’s population.  There’s a Woody Harrelson part there too.  He plays the crazy guy that predicted all this.

You’d think watching the Earth come to an end would take, what, ninety minutes?  Well, Emmerich thought it deserved two hours and forty minutes.  This ridiculous amount of time is spent listening to horrible one-liners, finger-wagging about global warming and rich countries abusing the poor ones, and watching most of the world’s recognizable locals being destroyed.

If that doesn’t sound too bad, it gets a lot worse two hours in.  I won’t spoil anything since it seems half the globe is flitting to theatres to ensure Emmerich gets another chance to direct something, but you’ll have to take my word on it, this film gets real ass-y.  Bad performances, a bad script, too long, insultingly stupid, that pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.  Save your money.  Go see The Blind Side.

Bitchin' Stars: 0.5 out of 4 stars