The Expendables

My sister and her husband got a Beagle puppy at the beginning of last year. It was really young, maybe five weeks old. Too young to determine whether or not the dog would be a good one, or not. As time went on, it seemed Blue (as they named her), had some personality problems. She’s a sweet dog, but not a normal one. They took Blue to obedience school, it helped a little. After that, they hired a local dog whisperer to come over every other week to work with Blue. What he told my sister is to treat Blue like she’s a retarded eight year old child. If you have a question about how to react to a situation, as yourself, ‘how would you respond to a retarded eight year old.’ It may sound ridiculous, but that’s what he said. I like to think this was Sylvestor Stallone’s foundation when he came up with the idea for The Expendables. His target audience, it seems, is, yes, retarded eight year olds. Brainstorming must have gone like this:

Okay, we’ll have a pretty hispanic woman torn between her father, the evil dictator of a made up island, and Sly.
Oh, oh, then we’ll have that guy from The Transporter beat up a guy who hit a girl.
Yeah! And then we’ll have Mickey Rourke show up as Sly’s retired mentor, and we’ll name him Tool. Tool!
Retards like when buildings blow up, right? Then we’ll blow up a palace.
Let’s be sure and mention a bunch of scary sounding countries so the audience totally gets these guys have real cred. Like Bosnia, and Burma!
And let’s throw Ahnald on screen for a second and make a joke about him wanting to be president. It’s soooo literal! God we’re brilliant.
Hmmm, we don’t have much for Jet Li to do. Let’s just keep making jokes about Asians being short and speaking English poorly. Problem solved.
And we’ll all pretend 65 isn’t too old for an action movie.

I was so bored in The Expendables, I kept reaching for my phone to play games on. I stopped myself so I could accurately describe my disgust towards this film. But now I kind of wish I had kept trying to be my high score at Doodle Jump. The acting is horrendous. The only thing worse was the plot that didn’t even bother trying to make any sense. This would have been acceptable, had they made the film any fun at all.  It seemed this is the tea party version of an Ocean’s 11 film, an excuse for a bunch of guys to get together, half -ass it, have some fun, and walk away with a pay check. But with explosions, and war crimes against poor countries. I would literally have rather not seen this movie at all.


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6 Responses to “The Expendables”
  1. melanie says:

    had my friend, chad, not worked on it…i wouldn’t have wasted my time. it was complete shite.
    fyi: even he thought so!

  2. Danny King says:

    On paper, you’re correct – “The Expendables” is completely dismissable. But I still think Stallone and Statham have a charm to them that makes the first half somewhat watchable. (I also think Rourke’s speech is worthy.) But when the action takes over during the second half, it isn’t enjoyable, and the villains are meaningless. I wouldn’t recommend this film, but just because of some of the performers, I’m a little less harsh on it than you are.

  3. Harriet says:

    God it sounds awful! I definatley won’t be going to watch it!
    Harriet´s last blog post ..Used Rolex Watches

  4. Blake says:

    @ Melanie – You know everyone in the business! You’re going to have to sneak me on a set one of these days.

    @ Danny King – I can see that reasoning. There are certain actors I find so appealing I can forgive a bad movie if their in them. But I personally don’t see that appeal in Stallone. I do enjoy Statham though.

    @ Harriet – I promise you’re not missing much.

  5. melanie says:

    @Danny- I’m with Blake there are a few actors that i adore so much i would forgive anything and see every movie they do regardless. However, none of them are in this movie. ha ha

  6. Cristian says:

    It wasn’t a master piece, but you can’t say it was so bad. Statham and Stallone played their roles very good. 🙂
    Cristian´s last blog post ..The Expendables 2010

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